Zen NippOn-On Nash Hash '96

The idea, conceived in the beer sodden aftermath of an On-On late on a Monday night in Winter and nurtured on fried noodles and Sapporo Black Label over nine months, came to fruition on a sunny Saturday morning at the KR&AC. It was called the Zen NippOn-On Nash Hash.

Those responsible should be exposed: Yokozuna, Beaver, ProBlow, Slimie Limie, Homophone (MVP for making sure the beer was cold and always in easy reach of Hashers), Little Beaver, Beerhead, Snake Semen, Bite Size, Lug Nuts and Big Tits. Also big thanks to Pond Scum for supplying the beer.

The day started on an alarming note: no beer truck! Would the ZNNH be stillborn? Putting a brave face on the situation, preparations went ahead: everyone stood in the club entrance saying, "Where's the beer truck?"

At 10 a.m. the reception table was in place. Misawa H3, having set off at 6.30 a.m. on Friday after a full-moon hash the previous night, arrived first followed by (in no particular order - and plenty of disorder) Hiroshima H3, Tokyo H3, Tokyo Ladies, Rising Moon H3, Nagoya H3, Samurai H3, Kobe H3, Kobe Fully Mooned H3 and Kobe Harriettes.

Meanwhile, the beer truck had arrived. Cold beer stilled trembling hands. A party atmosphere soon prevailed and Wanda said goodbye to the rest of Saturday. "Jeez, we'll need more beer!" worried President Yokozuna.

The run blasted off at 2 p.m. with 100 hashers led by Snow White and Barbarian. The hare, Beerhead, took the Hash east to Oji Park, which aptly contains a zoo. An enormous check cleverly hidden under a car gave everyone a chance to catch up. Then it was on on - and up up - to Mount Maya. The FRBs steamed ahead, startling middle-aged hikers in their alpine gear, but were stopped by an enormous CB. The trail was picked up along a range, which, for those with the energy to raise their heads, offered magnificent views of Kobe.

In various states of forward motion the sweating pack straggled in heading straight for the soft drinks - Budweiser, Busch, Miller - before moving onto the stronger stuff - mineral water and oolong tea. The circle, mismanaged by Lug Nuts and Slimie Limie and aided and abetted by Snow White, was a successful total mess, with Hashers getting down-downs for more and more obscure reasons.

Back at the KR&AC Barry and his team had been spit roasting an 80 kg pig since early morning. After the circle hungry Hashers descended on the feast of meats and salads prepared by KR&AC staff and roast pig expertly sliced and served by Barry, in the nude except for a strategically placed apron.

Hashers had little time to reflect on this culinary state-ment as a wall of noise heralded the first of the bands. Police from a small fishing village on the Japan Sea Coast arrived to ask us to keep the volume down. But Pro Blow saw them off. Next, sultry songstress Kazumi drew gasps of approval paving the way for evergreen Rockin' Eddy and his band The Chevys. Weary drunken hashers were spurred into frenzied dance floor action by a stream of brilliantly executed classic rock numbers.(Do I get my 1,000 yen Beerhead?) Why Chinko Manko was dancing with a stuffed bear wearing Mother Theresa's running shoes on his hands will remain a mystery until the psychiatrist's report is made public.

Between bands each Hash provided what was laughingly called "entertainment". It ranged from a nose bagpipe symphony, through various disgusting songs to a scripted skit from Tokyo Hashers. Did they get a down-down for rehearsing? The 'Cindy Crawford Award' went to Hangman for a stunning outfit which defies description. (Good! This is too long already - Ed.)

Later on in the evening some Hashers walked the short distance to the town centre for a pub crawl, while others - too weary to crawl - sat around and downed the still plentiful beer. The last back from the crawl was Gympy, escorted by a policeman, having failed to find any young ladies to escort him.

As Hashers dropped off to sleep, Beerhead serenaded them with the gutteral utterings of an ancient Shinto prayer to the Porcelain Goddess.

The morning started with the mystery of lipstick on the men's toilet seat, soon forgotten as a breakfast of coffee, sausages, eggs and rolls was served.

Barefoot Contessa set the morning trail to Suma Beach. Fit hashers ("no pain, no brain") went straight off from the KR&AC, while the rest started a few stations on. Yokozuna took the deluxe short cut route arriving by taxi at the water stop ahead of the second group. Meanwhile the FRBs had snared the hare - a rare event for the ultra fit Barefoot Contessa. She must have had too much pork and stuffing the night before. The course wound its way through parks and backstreets still showing evidence of the earthquake before emerging onto Suma Beach.

After the circle there was curry reportedly made by Mr. Hashimoto (Hash Cook) but looking suspiciously similar to Beerhead's offering to the Porcelain Goddess.

ZNNH ended on Suma Beach with 'Swing Low' echoing through the pines. Passers-by thought it a religous gathering and moved on quickly, their fear compounded by the gaseous aroma of the curry.

But the weekend was not over for all. The Full-Moon Hash started at 4.30 p.m. It was led off by Barbarian who also attended the Monday Kobe H3 Hash. Before returning to Singapore, he expounded on the joys of masturbation in a decompression chamber, which just goes to show the Hash is not only running and boozing - there's culture too.

On On,

Miso Horny.

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